It is 6th of January 2011 – 1:30AM.

I have finished my “last supper” three hours ago. I hope it would be the last stick. Talked to my fiancee that I wanted to stop smoking. She supported that. But..

Told her that I wanted to stop in cold turkey – and she said I’m crazy (in her words – “waklu!” )  

She wanted me to stop slowly. Well, my last record was smoking only 5 sticks in a day. After breakfast, after lunch, after dinner, after gym, and before sleep. And even that I feel strained.

I really don’t have any motivation to stop smoking, actually – apart from the usual cliche of health and fitness issues plus money issues. I don’t know how long can I really hold myself from buying and puffing the next one again. This is a test against my own body to see whether it can endure the reduced amount of nicotine or not.

And three hours from the last smoke, I started to crave for it again.

The taste of the smokiness lingers in my mouth.

My saliva is accumulating and my neck feel a bit strained.

Minor headache started to set in.

I take a look in my ashtray to see if there’s any short butt that can still be smoked. None.

I feel a bit agitated.

*sigh*

Will I endure this test that I put myself into? Will I regret this decision? Will I succumb to the temptation and the release of endorphin when the nicotine swim in my blood?

This is the first post that marks the start of the test called “How long can I survived without cigarettes“.

I am going to trash away all the cigarettes butts now. Brushed my teeth in the attempt to remove the saliva and the lingering taste. And try to get some sleep. I’ll post more tomorrow to see how I cope with the wake up stage (yes, usually when I wake up – I smoke first.)

If this doesn’t work, I need to find a plan to make this work. I wanted to try to be clean from smoking for at least six months. Rest assured, if I can stop and be clean from smoking for six month, I know I can stop forever. But let’s do this test first.

God, grant me your strength.

Most of the things that I’ve done in 2010 is more on getting me stabilized in this world. Slowly, I’ve changed. I’ve been aware on what I write. I’ve been aware on what my weakness are. I’ve been aware on what limit that I can hold myself with.

If you read my blog for this year postings, it’s more on movies, how-to guides, perks here and there either in blogosphere or Facebook or Twitter, and a little on life updates.

See, this year has been more on my own private time. And private stories. I refused to reveal so much here and there.

Have I been more mature? Meh. Don’t think so. In a way, I wanted to keep this childishness a bit to keep me interesting; even though time and responsibilities increased

Oh well, some of the highlights of life in 2010:

• Awa already passed away. Yeah, I was not updating about it on this blog. I was one of the most affected person by her death. It was very unexpected. And yeah, bits of grief here and there sometimes do hit me.
• And talking about blog, as I was expecting – the MultipleEyes died somewhere around Q4 2010. Most authors have their own blogs, and if your own blogs are not updated much — it doesn’t make sense to write on another, yeah? It’s destined to doom anyway. HAHA.
• Changed hosting for this blog and it turns out okay. No complaints whatsoever
• World Cup. German lost to Spain. DEMYUH Spain.
• But in a way, Malaysia wins over Indonesia in AFF Suzuki Cup. Yeah!!!
• Relationship? Going okay. We had our ups and downs. Sometimes we fight, sometimes we cuddle.
• Career? Change from IBM to HP. Did I regretted the decision? Nope. I won’t go to the extreme to say that HP is such a heaven with all colorful rainbows all around – but I’m more calm and contented as of now.

That’s it? I guess this year has been nothing much worth mentioning for me. Let’s see my past year resolution eh?

1. Love to the next level: Albeit a bit late and not in 2010 – I am getting engaged on New Year. So I’ll consider it accomplished.
2. Smoke less: A hit and miss. When I was in IBM, the stress was killing me that somehow I smoked quite a lot at times. But on average, I’ve been smoking less. A pack of 20 for 2 days. And fuck yeah government decision to stop the 14-packs cigarettes didn’t help either. But I’ll consider it accomplished as well
3. Achieve a new salary level: Yeah. I officially got 4k per month after taxes and everything. It comes with a price though. The price being not staying in IBM and venturing into a new company.
4. Write a fiction novel: Not started at all! All I’ve written was some short stories and then I went cold. I tried to read more now and with the Big Black Wolf sales – I tried to write something up but it just doesn’t materialize.
5. Scuba dive?: Pfft! No money. No vacation either for 2010.
6. Building fitness?: I started to go on jogs, but it didn’t come out as a routine. I stopped after… what, 2 weeks? 3 weeks? LOL.

See, I think I’ve been setting up my goals quite general for 2010 and that’s why most of it has become either hit and miss or simply forgotten along the way. Gotta admit that my focus was haywire in 2010. What about 2011?

Let’s set some clear goal, shall we? I know I can be realistic now, but I got to have more drive, motivation and inspiration. Will I be a more positive person in 2011? I do hope so

Love and Relationship:

I want to get married in 2011. I know I’ll be getting engaged on this New Year, so I wanted to get married by 2011. The planned date was around September – will surely write my journey of being someone’s fiancee. Do pray for me and her; and I do pray that we’ll be happily ever after

On this one, I know I’ve set a very clear goal.

Health and Fitness:

I want to give up smoking. It’s been a year already since I started to reduce my nicotine intake; it’s time to take it to the next level. I’m thinking on going cold turkey first and see if that works. Sure, I’ll be recording my journey on this blog as well. I’ll assess it every quarter – let’s see if I can make it for more than 6 months. That’s the clear goal.

I want to be gaining weight. I am 52kg and still a small figure. Wind blows and I can really fly. HAHA! :P So my clear targets are to gain up until 60kg, and maintain it on 60kg. I’m going to get consistent foods and some workouts. Hope these will works its magic, someway.

I want to be fit and have enough stamina. It’s no point if I gain 60kg but all the extra weights are building me a beer belly again. Not that I do not enjoy the beer belly, but I don’t appreciate getting huffed and out of breath when I went up the stairs. So that means going to hit the gym or do some exercise. Clear goals? Hmm. Let’s see…. okay I want to be able to run 10km on the treadmills. Sounds clear enough? :P

I want to have a consistent sleep timing. That requires discipline, which apparently I’ve been slacking and lacking like.. too many years already. I hope with proper foods and exercise, I get to have a better sleep and timing my life around the morning; in all its glory. A clear goal? Sleep before 12, and wakes up latest by 7.

In a way, all these items I mentioned in this section relates to one another. Let’s get into some disciplines and self control, shall we?

Career and Finance:

This would be hard. I am just starting out in HP and even though I do well in 2011, I know my salary increment will come in 2012. So no, there will be no salary increment achievement for this year – as far as I can foresee. But hey, if I got it somehow someway, I’ll be grateful!

Controlling my finance will also be a nuisance. Getting married will use a lot of money. Starting a new married life will also consumes money, so no – it will be too hard to set a realistic goals with x number of savings or whatnot.

Writing and Producing Valuables:

I always dream to have written books, and the dream is still there. But I’ve know that writing a book will takes a longer time and I might not have it as a realistic goal. So…

I want to write consistently in this blog. Giving the resolution sets above – I can now updates more on my personal life – like stop smoking, getting married, and building my fitness. That should be three posts already. Let’s set the goals at – 1 post per week, 4 post per month. Sounds good?

It maybe a low number. But better start small and be consistent about it. In the meantime, I might have ideas to write a real book, and went on with it. Anything more than 4 post per month would be such a good bonus.

So there. 6 resolutions set in three sections of life. I think I’ve been putting more emphasize on my health and fitness for 2011, and I really wanted to achieve it.

Hope this 2011 will be a good year. Amen to that.

I am selling juice! Specifically, pomegranate juice! (In Malay, jus buah delima lah!). No, not only that, it’s a 100% pure-pressed pomegranate juice without no additional substance in its packaging. Seriously it is tasty – like Ribena with a kick of rusty sour-plum. Nyum! I’m loving it and I drink it twice a day; once when I wake up in the morning, and once before I went to sleep at night.

From health point of view, pomegranate is a very good antioxidant; it have more antioxidant comparing to red wine or green tea. This, I can really say it is true. Most of you, my friends, know that I am a very heavy smoker. Cough at nights and early in the morning is normal. But since I started drinking this juice, I no longer cough at nights or early in the morning; and my throats feel clearer. It also helps in reducing the number of sticks I smoke – because whenever I smoke, I feel the tickling sensation at my throats whenever I inhale. Urgh!

The main benefits of pomegranate is for women – especially pregnant woman. It helps nurture the brain of the babies and it also said that your babies will be delivered easily; and will be more cute. Bibir merah bak delima, maybe?

It also says that it improves blood circulation. Indirectly, that also helps improve the.. the… urm… the libido? HAHA. Hey the advertisement says like that. I agreed, but I am not married yet so I don’t have any proof. HA HA.

(P/s: Sayang, nnt lepas kawen you bagi testimonial ek? HAHA)

Oh wait. I haven’t introduced the product yet eh? Here goes: Pomepure – the 100% Pure-pressed pomegranate juice.

Nyum nyum! Looks like wine, but its not. It’s totally HALAL. Hehehe…

So, are you one of these peoples:

• Are you currently taking any supplements that costs you dearly?
• Are you married, or expecting child?
• Are you smoking; having low blood pressure; or having high cholesterol?
• Are you health-conscious and trying to take control of your eating?
• Are you diabetic, or have heart problems? No, love problem or singularity is not qualified.

Because if you are, I would suggest that you try to drink Pomepure as your additional supplement. It’s like eating the fruits itself, without the hassle to find the fruits. Buah delima bukan senang nak carik kat Malaysia woo!

Yes, it’s really pure – no shit. That’s why it taste like Ribena and a little bit of sour-plum. Macam manis-manis, kelat-kelat, masam-masam buah delima gitu.. ~

• No concentrates.
• No artificial additives.
• No preservatives.
• No added sugar.
• No added water.
• No colouring.
• No flavouring.
• No stabilisers.

Ah anyway, I am also looking for business opportunist to be a distributor with me. Having said that, I don’t take people who don’t want to do jobs but expecting money to come their way easily. NO, this is not a get rich quick scam, and no, its not investing. It’s real business; selling tangible products. :) You sell more, you earn more, you get more profits.

And since this is quite a new products in Malaysia market, if you want to try starting a home-based business, part-time; no high modal needed; let me know and I’ll tell you more about this juicy business

For more info; leave a comment – ask me – or visit these two links: PomepureAsia and PomepureNetworks

P/s: Yes, I started doing business because I wanted to get married, and saving money is way too slow. Wish me luck, and be my customer?

Sorry dude / dudettes. It’s not. This unstable emotion is not that kind of emotion. In fact, it’s not even the kind of emotion that I like. *sigh*

I think the image below should explain how I feel right now…

Depression and uncontrollable amount of anger.

Anyway, talking about the last post, its actually nothing. It’s actually the way I have been attracted to a girl that I’ve met previously. But, she’s already in a relationship, so it’s not my way at all to disturb somebody who’s not available. It’s just that, I like the feeling of infatuation that I haven’t been able to feel for quite a long time.

So, close that story. In fact, I don’t even started anything LOL. Loser.

Back to the topic..

I am feeling fucked up today. I know that I suck at working in the morning, but due to the Data Warehouse training, I got to wake up early in the morning to attend that. Little that I know, my emotion swings in totally a different angle.

I’m feeling moody like a girl having her period. Sounds so fucking sissy, and so fucking sensitive. I get mad at nothing, and I get mad at small things. I am fucked up at the moment.

Plus that with a late dinner with Snub and the others at Maveles, going back at 5, and waking up in the morning feeling real dizzy and disoriented. Add that with the talk of relationships in previous night that earthen up all the old stories and previous nightmares, it just like pouring salts in the injuries.

My heads were thinking about things that had past.. again.. shit.

And I wonder how did I managed to stay sane back in UTP back when my life still needed me to go to class in the morning?? Or is it a fact that my life is changing? Is it a fact that working environment really stressed you out?

(even though its a fact that I didn’t go to morning classes that much, but I still did go for it :P)

Now I am questioning myself again; is this the life that I want to lead till I’m dead or retired? *sigh*

Maybe I need to meet my friends more frequent to get track back in my life. Can anybody give me a quick course of anger management, my fellow dudes/dudettes?

I am going lunatic. Even my little sister’s stupid playlist doesn’t help. That’s already a weird thing for me to do; to tune into my little sister’s playlist.

Weird.

P/s: Oh you wanted to know what the playlist? Aizat AF5 – Hanya Kau Yang Mampu, Matta – Ketahuan, Alif Aziz – Sayang Sayang, and Mulan Jameela – Makhluk Tuhan Paling Sexy.

Weird isn’t it? Since when that I can tune to Malay Pop? (-_0″

No, no. This is not a post about how much I hate my job. In fact, I do love my job with all of my heart (even though sometimes it’s tiring and sometimes it feel dull).

This is just to reminisce how much have I done and how much have I learn throughout my journey of my own career. From a seedling to a half-full (not full yet ;p) grown of… whatever in your mind, I do appreciate the challenges that has been thrown to me all the way up.

And my current challenges is to be a mentor to somebody else.

Damn. It’s really hard. Now I think I appreciate my former mentor more. It is hard to guide people actually. It is hard to motivate others. It is hard to mold somebody to be.. “something”.

My mentee is a Colombian, and now language barrier come into place. It’s not that I cannot speak or communicate, but the communication sometimes gets harder. Sometimes its hard for me to capture what is the word utters by him.

And the fact that its a he and he’s a Caucasian made me full of envy *hmmf*

Oh you know how the Malaysian girls behave when being around a “mat salleh”. Ironically, even though my name contains the word “Salleh”, don’t expect that I got the same treatment. LOL.

It’s up to the extent that he says: “Can I put invisible to my Sametime? You know, every girls like messaging me every seconds of my day…”

Goddamn…

Now I doubt his orientation. Double LOL.

Anyway, I am not here to criticize him. It’s just that I feel like I need to learn more on coaching people. A short-tempered me is afraid that somehow the way I treated him is not fair. When I reminisce the old days of starting the work, I guess that’s how my mentor feel.

Wish me luck.

P/s: My boss was telling me a good news! A hiring ticket is reserved for me! That means I am going to be a regular on July. Yeay!! Yeay!! Yeay!! Now I am more motivated than ever.

After all, this Peon has done a lot and it’s time to achieve level 10. Muahahaha!!~

P/s2: itisjan03 boys and girls, GViners, K5ivers, and all my “other families”, I will remember to treat you guys when the time comes. You know how much dear you all mean to me.

I was browsing through Facebook when I stumbled upon my cousin’s new photo which in my opinion, was too skinny. I know that she’s still going through another phase of breakup, and I know I am not the best person to consult about this. After all, I was in the same shoes as her.

Or at least, we’re in the same status.. whatever.

But at the same time this song are played in my PC’s background and I thought its just right. So I dedicated this post to my cousin’s, Nana who’s now in Melbourne. Nana oi, jaga la your health btol-btol…

For other people, learn from the story (and song) below what might happened when you’re leaving somebody else without rational reason, or when you’re not being committed to what is supposed to be your commitment.

As I always preach, never committed something that you’re uncertain, because when you’re not, you’re toying with other’s “life”.

P/s: The post below will be like one posted earlier: Polaroid.

Also, sorry if my post previously sounded sad or unhappy or whatnot. Up to the extent some of the peeps said that I am quite reserved. Truth been said, I gotta admit that. I think I have lost the personal “Dr. Love” touch that was once my legacy. What to say? Bitterness crumbs still there.

So I am getting a little bit personal this time. Anyway, a quick update first of what have been happening around me at this point of my disappearance time…

• I got a ThinkPad. That means a good thing (I am now mobile) and a bad thing (workload increase as expected)
• I went to MMU for the Academic Initiative. It was fun and it was a whole new experience to give a presentation in front of enthusiastic students + lecturers.
• I also went to MMU for their charity concert. Got to hang out with my cousin’s friend and watch a good concert (apart from the unorganized event flow)
• Went to Euphonious 2008 and I enjoyed it with all my friends there. Not going to post much about that – you can refer to here, here, here, here and here.
• Went to Dilla’s wedding with itisjan03 – enjoyed it as well to see all the familiar faces again.

Just some pictures to spice up the post:

L to R : Jakas, Megi, Muner, Me (yes I know my hair is getting longer LOL)

Dilla’s wedding – picture stolen from Shah’s blog (I am still waiting the picture of the couple with the itisjan03….)

Okay, we’re cool? So here’s the personal part. This happened on the way back to Kuala Lumpur after Dilla’s wedding. In the car was me (driving), Zhu, Jamie, and Intan M. Conversation happened as below:

Jamie: Adek, ko bila pulak nak kawen? (Translation: Adek (referring to my nickname), when’s your time to get married then?)

Me: Aku single lagi, tadek calon, camne nak kawen? (Translation: I am still single, no candidates for wife, how to get married?)

Intan M: Oooo.. so, kalau camtu, apa kriteria perempuan yang ko nak? Meh kita tolong calon-calonkan.. (Translation: Ooo.. so, if that’s the case, what’s the criteria that you’re looking for a girl? Let me try to find the candidate..)

Me: ………………

Seriously, I don’t know what to say that time! So they started asking questions and I just throw out any answers that I have in mind at that time. So nice of you, Intan and Jamie! . For that, I made a promise to myself to blog about this.

Well, I did blog about the dream girl that I wanted in this post long ago, but as my favourite saying goes: “What we are is always the same, but who we are, will never stop changing“..

And I’ve changed. A lot. A whole damn lot to the extend of being “sinister”, as Jep put it.

So here goes a new list of criteria for the dream girl of mine.

The Physical:

1) Pretty face. Fair, yellowish skin is an advantage. Not too whitey please, because that’s a corpse. Oval face, or elliptic shape is preferred. I hardly fall for circle round / square face shape due to the lack of “femininity” in my standard.

Having said that, not much explanation needed. In simple term, as far as the face can be soothing to look at, as far as I can feel the serenity in the face, that’s enough. You can refer to my exes faces to know my taste. LOL.

2) Not too tall, not too skinny – a model shape is a big no no. As explained in my previous criteria, I am short and I don’t feel comfortable should I have to look up everytime I stand besides her. 1.6m is the maximum height, I guess. As per not too skinny, I don’t like somebody who doesn’t have any weight at all. But not too fat as well.

Having said that, it is more or less the suitable, healthy shape that’s more important. A big boob is surely appealing, but that’s not really my type so girls, you don’t have to go for an implant.

3) Veiled or no veiled. I don’t mind this at all. You can wear veil, or you can free your hair. This goes for any other things like – wear glasses or not, short hair or long hair, blonde or brunette or black hair etc.

This thing has no effects on my decision.

Easy huh? I am not too adamant in selecting the physical. As long as you’re cute or sweet or feminine or gentle, that’s the girls type I like. But, its the mental or attitudes that always bother me. That is what important. Read on..

The Mental / Attitude:

1) old;font-style:italic;color:rgb(204,204,204);">Loyal. I have trusts issues with my previous ex. The thing is, I live my life with principles. I know that I need to sacrifice when I am in a relationship. I know that I need to limit myself when I am in a relationship. And that’s what I expected in return when I am in a relationship.

I am not easily jealous if the principals are being held true. But once broken, my insecurities will seep in, and to hell you’ll go…
<
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/>2) old;font-style:italic;color:rgb(204,204,204);">Can be mentally challenged. Because I have principles, I like people who have their own thoughts and opinions too. Someone that I can argue points with. Someone that I can discussed with. Someone that is not afraid of saying their points, and one who can backed up their points with facts or proves or alibis. Someone who knows things apart from fashion statement or pop gossips.

Again, this was a problem with my exes. A rule of thumb, I am not always right, but you got to prove me wrong.

3) old;font-style:italic;color:rgb(204,204,204);">One who not change me to who I am not. This is as similar in the previous criteria. Don’t ever try, because I won’t do it. I am a heavy smoker, a believer of freedom of speech, a bookworm, a geek, a philosopher, loves catchy music from rock to jazz to pop to indie, loves words, a chivalrous romantic, a long hair person and a perfectionist.

Having said that, I despise people who commented things that cannot be changed. Those are fixed, not variables. Yes you can still jokes about that to me, but there’s a thin line between jokes and commenting.

4) Open minded. I know you’re a girl and you have all the femininity inside you, but I tend to be harsh and egoistic at times. My view on the world is radical. I am a skeptic. I believe that I have rooms, and so do you. I believe that everyone has their own evil, so I need to be “evil” on certain matters. Even though it sounds ironic to the fact that I am a chivalrous romantic, I can’t deny that when I curse, I curse hard.

5) Has confidence. This doesn’t mean that you cannot go to me to blabber about your nervousness or your worry, but I hate to repeat the same advise. When I’ve said it, then that’s it. Up to you to hold your heads high. It turned me off to see one who still have “but..”, “but..” in an endless repetition.

Just ask how many close friends of mine that have been laughed in the face by me when they repeat their own mistake? Almost all. You know the things, but you still have doubts. I am not going to be so gentle on that. So gain your confidence.

6) A bit of romantic and attentive. As said previously, I am a chivalrous romantic person. I can and I will give you all the attentions needed. But I am also a person that need attention as well as the love being said. So I expect to get the similar return of what I always done.

It’s bored to give but has nothing to take, right? But again, not too much lovey dovey. Spare me some time and room. Refer to #4.

Also, a little bit of talkative is also good. That’s what I called attentive. I am not a good conversation starter.