<<< end of semester : cruel fate!!! part 2 >>>

December 6th, 2005 by [re-arrange] No comments »

the second part comes along…and i’m writing all this stuff as a remembrance and a signet of my memories. this was written when all of this has just end.

rejection really leads to another trouble. when i face this rejection, i lost my confidence just like a dust in the air. i’m going back to my old identity. the identity that once i hate, and i once wanna change. the reason i hate it so much because my identity was the cold – hearted one. an ignorant. and once upon a time i have successfully change it. to care for someone else. to know what has been happening. to greet others with respect.then?? all the positive attitude i build with hardship and times is just blown away.Am i in the wrong side??

that is about rejection. in the same time, i’m not the only one to face it. my friend, snub, got the same thing too. not to say that my problem is mine, and his problem is his..but a friend will care for the other friends, although a friend won’t always know what to advice. I think i’m a man of emotion, a man of affection. what happens around me affects me a lot. and i dont mean it in the good way. wtf. and that is not just one case. all the other case just reviewed. and i as a good listener will just stunned, listening to all the sadness.

fuck that out. i stuck with my decision to be myself. i break myself. i became my old me. the one who cannot concentrate, the one who acts by its emotion. ignorant. i dont know how much collateral damage that i have done, but surely enough to make other people think bad of me and my mouth.

and then another things comes out. death. i was so shocked to hear one day, that my friend’s dad has just passed away. and it comes in the worst time. after my paper. i was so shocked that i dont believed it straightly even though its my mom who informed me the news. one death. then another death. this time, it is my grandfather, my mom’s dad. and it happened in another worst time. the time my family planned to go for a vacation. the time when i thought i could run away, have a nice time and sort things out.and again i deny the destiny by screaming “WHY ALL THIS HAPPENED TO ME???!!!”

im very sensitive to death. in my upbringings i’ve face a death that really makes me cry. one of it is my sister, who passed away just in front of my face. she got sick and had problems with her heart or something. and her last moments in this world…i was in front of her. and she was only 2 years old or something at that time! how i watch her suffer, how i watch her hardness to breathe out the air, how blue her face was in her last moment.

and now the death again surrounds me. which make me thought of myself; why the world is so cruel. how sinned i am in this cruel world. how irresponsible i am in my life.how irresponsible human be when something hurt us. i recalled how kukis attitude’s toward rejection; she thoughts all girl sucks, all girls are bitchy from that time till..today i believe. and how it affiliate me, how it infected me like a viral epidemic.

and there it goes; rejection which leads to hatred, incomplete yet unable to revenge, which lead to the ignorant me, which lead to the fall of my academic achievement.and i become just like myself in school; a 2-pointer student. wtf. i started all nice and good, and it all becomes like this?? and, to control the catastrophic collateral damage, i spend all my money to gundam(which i never like before this, and i become a maniac after this), i spend all my money to cigarettes(which has been my best buddies all around.it just listen to me and act like understand.no comments,just destruction) which lead to a serious financial problems i ever had. *sigh*

i wanna change, but the damage is too severe. is it the ends?? how will it affects my future undertaking?? my next semester??? only god knows why.

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<<< end of semester : cruel fate!!! part 1 >>>

June 14th, 2005 by [re-arrange] 2 comments »
*sigh* this semester has been my fuckest semester in UTP..all things happens when it comes to the end..and everything seems so unpleasant. what the hell in the world has happened?? *sigh*

now that is what happened to me. that was my word that i scream to myself just when i review back my whole semester when i’m at home. Cruel fate huh? sometimes we can just blame the destiny when it doesn’t go by our way. lol

this were things happened to me : rejection, pressure, lost of confidence, ignored things, big responsibility lying ahead, death. not to forget how many side stories lying by my side when all this things were coming. lemme start with the rejection : 25 April 2005 – the day the truth comes to me. the day i found out i have been played. the day i know that yana, do in love with..not me!! worst thing worst..with my fren..shark! and another worst thing..i knew it from another frens, his roomate, jakas. omg..

yana is one of a kind of gurl that i have ever met.she’s unique in her own way. but that day ruined my life, my dream, my so-called “matured-decision-making-thinking”. i lost it in just one night. my fingers trembled when i wait for her confession. yeah..its true.and it happened in the hell week for IT/IS student. The week we are suppose to struggle completing our projects(mind the S..huhu). all my sacrifices..go down the drain just like dat.heh..

the most complicated thing is – they are not coupled, but their acts are more towards couple. i remember the day that i saw them in IRC(after the confession and our relations is not like before) “studying” together like hell!! all my concentration goes out, anger really controls me at dat time. oh by the way did i mention how i resolved the matter??hehe

i take precautions in controlling myself and my anger by avoiding her for 5 days(and trying to complete my stupid duck for CG project, which cost me 3 nites not sleeping but end up for 8/20 marks only..huhu). and on the fifth day, i see her at night at old v5 cafe, where i tell her all i my feelings toward what has happened, and where i said i think her as a “bitch”. how can i avoid that feelings when she hv been flirting like hell wimme but ended up flirting with others TOO and fall in love with another man who is..my fren. it cost me 2 things : my own fren which later i cannot go face him and yana itself. on that day, i asked her to choose : me, shark or nothing.

3 days later, she asked to see me. its earlier then my plan coz i give her 6 days to think it over. and the result : as expected, she didn’t choose me. at first she choose none. she choose nothing. but then, she choose shark. demmit! i cant easily be fooled. thanks to all my experience with my ex-gf back then, where i learnt all the psychology towards woman, including body language.heh..

and that’s it. i choose to keep her as a friend only, with a limit of “sis-bro”. well it all goes like hell. a “sis-bro” relation is only an excuse for me to back-off i think.at this time, i think that it all will be over, but the consequences is not as easy as it can be said. i developed “revenge”. i dunno how to execute that revenge, but sincerely..i will give them a hell of revenge someday! even my nick at that time change to BlazeZakuPhantomChaosRevenge ……

to be continue..

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<<< half of semester : things getting suckers!! >>>

March 6th, 2005 by [re-arrange] No comments »
damn~its been quite a while since i last wrote this shit. don’t blame me..blame the network of UTP. Since the first day till now, we haven’t received a proper Internet connections, neither a LAN connection. Even the LAN connection is always down every WEEKEND!! argh! It is recently that this stupid thing been better, which give me the opportunity to write this.

things getting sucker. i don’t know what else can i put the topic. but seriously, since the first day of this new semester, with new year, every little things make me annoy. Let me story from what happens recently : i fought with yana~..huhu. She seems to have a problem, but she doesn’t really want to share it with me. She thinks that it will solve by itself by doing nothing, that time will terminate the problem, which really makes me angry. For me, every single problem should be identify and solved, if not by you, by others. The important thing is it NEED to be solved. Not like me, she thinks that not every problems should be shared, which, maximize my anger (and as a result, i just leave the chatroom ignoring her~huhu). Maybe i am phony, but when your loved ones is having trouble, you won’t let him/her bear by its own rite?That’s one thing;about yana. She seems too busy, and for me to pity her, it is such a jealous when she doesn’t have time for me.. :/ and the most terrible, she seems doesn’t have time for herself. I don’t know..every people changes, but this changes really makes me uneasy.

Lets move to another thing that sucks: My own life. Last night I go for UTP orchestra guitar player screentest. It is not a success. I know I played suck. Well its kinda frustates me. Everytime i do things that sucks, i said to myself..what thing that u can do properly?? and the answers seems null. I don’t know my own ability that i can appreciated and proud of. My programming skills seems to vanish because of my lazyness. I feel like a loser. I can’t do any sports, I can’t play games better (i lost DotA games for the last 3 days..demmit!!), I don’t have any improvement. Damn it!!Another thing is : my friends and buddies. They seem too backstab me sometimes. Let me get it straight : I try to be active on co-curricular activities, and i have joined the MPPUTP Publication and Promotion Dept, Syntech Organization (IT/IS Club), and also the Orchestra UTP. Well at least i try to improve myself(and when i failed, that frustated me.), but, it is not been really acceptable by my once called buddies. I know they seem to hate MPP because of their formalities(which i don’t follow, i hate it also..eheh), but I don’t enter it to be their dog. But my friends think that is what happens. Well lets say that I joined it because it has invited me, and there’s no fuss for me to get involved. Whatever my friends say, i just don’t trust them anymore. Another fuck up story eh?heh~

Next: my studies. I have been so lazy lately, and i don’t know whether i can keep up my pointers or not. just like i say from the last blog. It happens, and i realize it, but i don’t know how to change myself. The only thing that change is my rate of going to the class ( it decreased..ehehe). but in class?? I sleep, I cursed, I build castle in the air. heh~That’s all i can say right now. My routine has changed; i still don’t sleep now, and my head is getting dizzy. I got Kembara class at 9, but..Shits always happens..Annoyance and anger always happens in life; deal with it (said Donald Trump).

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