What though the radiance which was once so bright

Be now forever taken from my sight,

Though nothing can bring back the hour

Of splendour in the grass, of glory in the flower;

We will grieve not, rather find

Strength in what remains behind

A part of poem, from “Ode on Intimations of Immortality” by William Wordswoth; first heard by me in Criminal Minds Season 3, Episode 19 entitled “Tabula Rasa”, narrated by the character Spencer Reid. It is just beautiful and deep in meaning; suitable for those who wanted to move on with their life.

Happy new year 2012!  May all your new resolutions be fulfilled and may this year be a good year for all of us. And as usual, this post will be up for every new year to remind me what has happened, and how do I want to progress for this year. Yes, sorry for not posting anything at all since last three months or so. I deliberately do that because I am more active on Twitter now. No, don’t follow me – at most time I am babbling nonsense to myself, and I always annoy people who follow me. Bahahaha!

Just had a barbecue sessions with friends so this post was written while I’m quite tired.. (Jilaka muner, marinate ayam sampai kotor2 lantai! Jadik bibik jap aku memalam ni ciss!!).

Anyway……

Reminiscing 2011 is one hard thing to do since I failed quite a lot last year. Most of my resolutions last year seemed not done at all. Engagement breakup was a hard thing, and I took my time to collect myself. I took it hard. Failure has always been my weakness of the narcissistic me. And that failure of bringing an engagement to a happy ending did affected my career, my financial, and ultimately my soul. When trust is broken, it is hard to trust anyone but yourself.

And that failure didn’t helped me at all to quit smoking. But I gain weight though (read: that’s a good thing!). I gain weight after I broke up with my ex-fiancee, and I did lost weight when I was with her, so actually I am happier without her. LOL

I did stop writing blogs after my broke-up, literally because I don’t want to have anything else to do with her. Writing about it too much would just bring more flame and wars between two families and it can be haywired. Enough is enough.

I did learnt a lot about myself. I do learn the lessons on the circumstances of changing because of somebody else, and not because I truly wanted it, even though it is good for my sake. And I do learn that a relationship takes two to tango. I do learn that marriage is not an end or a mean.

And I do learn profiling people better. And profiling me better. Knowing thyself. Knowing what I can do, and what I am passionate to do. What I like, and what I can’t tolerate. What I want to do, and what I don’t want to do. I am glad that I still have friends who are there to support me, corrected me, and just be there for me. Without them I might be lost in the dark pit forever.

Oh and I made some new friends too. My life’s not as empty as you might think. This might seems selfish but hey, if I’m not the one who control my own life, who will?

2011 has brought me down, but it didn’t killed me, and I came back stronger.

The real [re-arrange] is back!

This year would be my year. I am determine to make this year to be my greatest year of my life. It would be about me. It would be about fulfilling myself. It would be about achieving things that I forego when I decided to get married. Now that decision last year didn’t worked out, so here’s to a new year, new wishes, new hopes, and new dreams

Resolutions 2012:

1) Write and publish a novel before this half year. No, seriously. This has been postponed for three years now, it can’t be postponed any longer. I just need to write and try submitting it for publishing. Accepted or not is another matter.

2) Be a better programmer. I started my career as a database administrator, went up to be a database application developer, and now I am moving to be a Java software / application programmer. Will start my own simple programming project. And hopefully one day I can have my own application software business.

Sidenote: I am no longer with HP. I am now with Infopro and I am doing Java programming. Found my passion!

3) Buy an apartment for myself. This will be done at the second half of the year since I still need to sort out my financial before committing for the mortgage. And I’ll try to find some cheap apartment suitable for rental, so it would be my investment too.

4) Try to venture into other financial investment. I had been offered opportunities right and left; a part-time agent for insurance and unit trusts, chance of stocks investment, venture capital for small businesses, that kind of thing. Need to learn more on this before committing to it, but surely will try one or the other.

5) Scuba diving license. I don’t care, I want to take the lessons and license. Perhentian vacation again, maybe? Let’s plan this out. Even this has been postponed for… what? Two years?

6)  Do not get married this year. NO NO NO NO NO NO. Tried once and it didn’t worked out, so I am surely gonna take my time to decide about marriage. Sorry girls, sorry crushes, sorry pretty ladies, I am just not ready to settle down before I achieve my other narcissistic goals.  I am open to date though, and I am always up for having a good time doing interesting stuffs. But DO NOT ASK ME TO SETTLE DOWN JUST YET! I am not ready. And I am not following the typical Meleis thinking of “getting married as fast as you can is the most important thing in the world”. I am the living proof of that kinda thinking is destructive, since we tend to settle down for less than what we’re worth for.

So that’s it. Six new resolutions to be done. I am posting this directly without double checking for typos or grammar so forgive me grammar-police. Oh what the heck la kan! Happy New Year again!! Have a blast!!

P/s: Picture is googled, and credit goes to dreamstime.com

Jadiklah pantun ‘ganjil’.

Ganjil sebab aku tulis-tulis jadik 5 rangkap; dah bukan pantun dah tu. Nak kata haiku ada line yang wording terlebih dari lima. Tapi bila kira word, eh nombor ganjil jugak? Ganjil betul!

Hentamlah yek korang. Pantun ni setakat ni; datang idea tetiap malam Ramadhan tapi aku malas nak tulis blog tetiap ari. Plus aku tatau la idea ni leh cukup sampai 30 malam ke tak. Try je la ek?

Aku try post pada malam yang ganjil la, bleh?

Macam malam ni, malam ketiga — kira ganjil la tu eh? Haha!

======================
#1:
Terduduk aku sebentar,
Bila pastinya sudah puasa besoknya.
Sayu; tersentak, tersedar,
Terasa hina penuh dosa durjana.
Bergetar hati sebut Fatihah; terawih terlaksana.

#2:
Gembira; puasa sempurna bila berbuka,
Perut penuh; kaki mula dilangkah.
Kenangan terimbau pada tahun sebelumnya,
Teringat yang mati, yang hidup, yang berdosa, yang mulia, yang bersalah.
Moga semua dirahmati, dikasihi, diampuni setiap apa yang lemah.

#3:
Tewas; pada nafsu yang membuak,
Perut kembang padat; mata melentok, badan termati.
Tersentak jaga; Tersedar dari mimpi tidak enak,
Terlepas terawih berjemaah; rasa rugi.
Dah kata; ikut hati, mati.
======================

Spurs of the Moment

The sudden emptiness,
That hurts with such finesse,
Ain’t something that can be healed,
In time like planting a wheat in a field.

 

When all sayings feel like a cliche,
Your act shows like you’re a douche.
Even though you don’t meant it to happen,
You can’t help but feel misshapen.

 

Destiny seldom turns out to be like what we want,
Grief is something that we want none,
But life always turned not like what we plan,
What’s mattered is that we always had fun.

 

Cry your heart out like it doesn’t matter,
We know that it always make us feel better,
There’s always somebody who loved you; just remember,
It ain’t the end of the world; it just tasted a bit bitter..

Yeah she can claim that we’ve been shooting her left and right, played the damsel in distress card; but it is actually nothing but a disillusioned mind of an immature girl. She has made her decision as an adult, and she is supposed to deal with the ripple effects as soon as possible (like an adult), and end this once and for all.

True, it will be quite an effort, but no one says that it’s going to be easy for both of us. I’ve got to deal with my family, my friends, my own financial, my own fucked up life, my own feelings. Same goes to her.

Damages have been done by both sides, and now there’s no need to bitch around it playing blog-war game and whatnot. I am not descending to her level. We both just need to return things back to normal for both parties. That’s all  :)

Let’s leave the issue of my broken engagement at that, shall we? I’m getting tired and quite bored of it already. To borrow the cliche quotes of Malay — “takde jodoh dah”. (Urgh I hate that statement so much actually)

Anyway, I’m currently dealing with stage 4 of grief: depression. And somehow these two songs stuck in my head longer than ever… damn it! I just wish it will end soon and I can move on to the last stage: acceptance.

Oh… no, please don’t think that these songs have anything to do with the engagement. It’s just me; like what Hanis Zalikha says about surviving break-ups; “Inilah masanya nak perasan semua lagu putus cinta dicipta untuk kau!”

Christina Perri – Jar Of Hearts

Lyrics:

I know I can’t take one more step towards you,

cause all that’s waiting is regret.

Don’t you know i’m not your ghost anymore.

You lost the love i loved the most.

[C/o]

I learned to live, half alive;

and now you want me one more time.

[Chorus]

And who do you think you are?

Running ’round leaving scars;

collecting your jar of hearts,

tearing love apart.

You’re gonna catch a cold,

from the ice inside your soul;

don’t come back for me.

Who do you think you are?

I hear you’re asking all around,

if i am anywhere to be found.

But i have grown too strong,

to ever fall back in your arms.

[Repeat C/o and Chorus]

It did took so long just to feel alright,

Remember how to put back the light in my eyes,

I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed,

cause you broke all your promises.

And now you’re back;

you don’t get to get me back.

Adele – Rolling In The Deep

There’s a fire starting in my heart.

Reaching a fever pitch, and it’s bringing me out the dark.

Finally I can see you crystal clear.

Go ahead and sell me out and I’ll lay your shit bare.

See how I’ll leave with every piece of you.

Don’t underestimate the things that I will do.

There’s a fire starting in my heart.

Reaching a fever pitch, and it’s bringing me out the dark.

[Chorus]

The scars of your love remind me of us,

They keep me thinking that we almost had it all!

The scars of your love, they leave me breathless,

I can’t help feeling..

We could have had it all!

Rolling in the deep (Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)

You had my heart inside of your hand (You’re gonna wish you never had met me)

And you played it to the beat (Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)

Baby, I have no story to be told.

But I’ve heard one of you,

And I’m gonna make your head burn.

Think of me in the depths of your despair,

Making a home down there, as mine sure won’t be shared

[Repeat Chorus]

Throw your soul through every open door,

Count your blessings to find what you look for.

Turn my sorrow into treasured gold,

You pay me back in kind and reap just what you sow.

(You’re gonna wish you never had met me)

We could have had it all….

(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)

We could have had it all….

(You’re gonna wish you never had met me)

It all, it all, it all……

(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)

[Repeat till fade]

We could have had it all

(You’re gonna wish you never had met me)

Rolling in the deep

(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)

You had my heart inside of your hand

(You’re gonna wish you never had met me)

And you played it to the beat

(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)

But you played it!

You played it!

You played it!

You played it to the beat..

P/s: I don’t give a fuck, keep giving them hell; where was you when I fell and needed help up? You get no love!  – Eminem feat. Lil Wayne: No Love (Explicit Version)

Miss Kinkin (God knows how hard for me to write her name) decided that she no longer has the heart for me and thinks that it’s useless to continue the engagement, hence, she asked for the third time to break up with me.

I’ve given her all my heart and all that I have to make her happy but it seems she hungers for more. And I have my limit. Once bitten, shame on me. Twice, shame on you. Bite the hands that feeds and it feeds you no more.

No, there’s no reason why she doesn’t has the heart (anymore? I don’t know now if she ever had the heart for me). Stop asking me that.

Yes, I do still love her at this time. But yes, now I do realize that I’ve been taken for granted SO MUCH that it hurts like hell. I always have only one cardinal rule – be honest with me. Break that, and one cardinal sin will send you to hell.

Yes, weirdly I do forgive her after that; but not now, not anymore.

No, I am not the one who wanted to break the engagement. I already have the fantasy of being a married guy, family loving, bear a children or two. I am already ready.

But not her, it seems.

So there goes. I am back to finding my true love again. This issue is still processing since both families haven’t come to meet yet (at the time of writing) but yes, I granted her the last wish.

I am sad, honestly. But life need to move on. And there’s always five stages of grieving that I need to go through.

1) Denial:

Nataly Dawn – Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word

2) Anger:

Eminem feat. Lil Wayne – No Love

3) Bargaining:

The Script – Breakeven

4) Depression:

Silverchair – The Greatest View

5) Acceptance:

Too Phat feat. Siti Nurhaliza – Dua Dunia

And that’s another good things that come to an end. May I’ll have a better life after this. (Duh!)

Now, what name shall I give this device?

Favourite Quote from Your Favourite Book

I am still in the mood of reading, reviewing and favouring Agatha Christie’s book, so I’ll pick up a quote from my first favourite book – The ABC Murder. Yes, this is the first real book that I really like and it spurs me for the love of Agatha Christie’s book.

So here’s the quote:

Words, mademoiselle; are only the outer clothing  of ideas.

Sorry for being missing last week, been busy with work and got no real mood to update about the books. Anyway, let’s continue this so that I can complete this meme and move on with some other nonsensical posts. LOL.

Question for today is: Favourite Female Character

Okay, I can name a few heroin out of the books I like, e.g Annabeth Chase of Percy Jackson series or maybe the stereotypical heroin like Hermione Granger of Harry Potter, but nahh… I like those characters when it comes as a movie.

There’s one female that I’ve always been impressed though – Miss Marple. So here we go – my favourite female character is Miss Marple, even though she is nowhere near the hotness level (she’s old and a spinster, is that hot for you? )

Why do I think she’s impressive?

1. She’s motherly and a very.. normal old woman. But with her observation, she can think and know the mystery or the real character of the victim or the murderer.
2. She has an unmatched understanding of human nature, and most of her solution are based on her instinct.
3. Even though with her sharp logical mind, she’s still an old woman; sometimes confused and fluffy.

Well you can read more about her in this Wikipedia entry.

Hang tight.