Dah terlalu lama aku tak menulis blog nih, sampaikan aku sendiri dah agak muak dgn ke”tidakupdate”an. Entah lah, aku tidak lah sesibuk mana, tapi mood. This is what happened when u do something based on mood. No mood, nothing’s done. stoopid kan?

Akhir-akhir nih, aku semacam hilang arah. Mood swing. Kejap marah cam gampang, kejap takde mood nak wat keje, kejap tu rajin tak igt, kejap pervy, kejap angel. kejap kang devil blk.

And yeah, i’m one of a fucking big devil.

Lagu “If I had one wish” terpasang di LaunchCast. Rokok disedut dalam. Mata dah mula strain, akibat dari menghadap monitor dengan resolution yang tak sama di tempat keje dan di umah. Aku..terasa lonely dengan life. Routine life. Same shit everyday.

If I had one wish, i’d wish that I never be like this. My life has neveer been nothing but routine. Maybe inilah instinct aku. Aku cepat bosan. With anything. The pro part of it, I’m suppose to be more creative with this gift. The cons part? I can never be the best in one field.

“Life’s a lesson. You learn it when you’re through..” Another definition of life dicampakkan kat aku oleh enoll. Aku tatau nape, tp bile aku baca blog enoll, aku terasa amat tiada life. Enoll bole pk psl skolah die, psl member2, psl ape yg die lalu dlm idop die. Aku? Ignorant in simple2 things. Simple2 things never amuse me..much..

Kawan?? Aku sendiri tak pasti ape yg dimaksudkan oleh kawan, apetah lagi kawan rapat. I got my gurly clans, I got my itisjan03 buddies, not to forget my querians family. tapi tiada seorang pun yg betul2 rapat, yang betul2 au boleh luahkan segala2nya, even the most childish thing.

Mungkin ini terjadi kerana aku sendiri tidak pernah mencuba untuk mempercayai orag lain..lagi..

Trust. Always the main thing when people’s talking about love. Tapi, apabila kita mula menjadi terlalu rapat dengan orang, ianya menjadi berlainan. Enoll sendiri mengkhabarkan aku, ade dak2 itisjan03 sendiri tamoh gi gath, psl terasa ati dengan sorang member lain.bila terjadi terlalu rapat pun, masalah timbul. internal affairs timbul.

Mungkin ini sebabnya aku kurang mempercayai orang lain lagi.. mungkin juga ini sebabnya relationship aku dengan org2 lain tidak pernah lebih dari seorang kwn biasa. surface friends. you can come and go whenever you want.

Amat susah utk membina persahabatan yg terlalu baik. Baik sesama jantina ataupun tidak. Masa dan ruang sentiasa wujud. Hati manusia tidak pernah sama. “what we are” is always the same, but “who we are” will never stop changing…

Tidak pernah sekali aku cuba utk menerangkan ayat itu. Itulah antara ayat yang pernah menyentak aku. Dan aku dapatinya dari favourite series aku, CSI. “what we are”..kita semua adalah manusia. Bedah lah fizikal kita yang mana2 pun, organ-organ semuanya sama namanya, sama pentingnya, sama fungsi dan attributenya. Mungkin saiz nya berbeza, tp perdu atau root nya sama. Dari sel, berkembang menjadi sesuatu yang berbagai. “is always the same..”

“Who we are”, more o what is our soul, our heart, or anything other than physical. its always changing. In the CSI, Sophia Curtis say this quote when they are operating a woman, who is actually a man. He/She are doing a change, but who he/she is, or was, will never stop changing..

whatever..another stupid post with no real meaning. Maybe..just wanna stated that I’m kinda lonely..

I don’t know why suddenly all these shits gets into my head. Maybe because recently one of my friend’s questioned; “How would you react, if a girl that you adore, that you really love honestly tell you in your early relationship, that she is not a virgin anymore?”

I stunned at that question. It strucks the so-called “technology phr3ak” piece of my mind; and the first that hit me is the word “love” and “honestly”. As long as I’ve ignored all the feelings thingy, this was the first time since a long one had I’ve been asked like this. Being in IT-related working environment, makes me a numb homo-sapiens.

And when I go to bed that day, all the memories hit me. All the girls that I’ve known, all my friends, all people that I’ve even considered as a family. I miss all of them. The closeness of itisjan03, one of a big family that I have. The naughtiness of querians, another big family back in the old-school of mine. The intimation of gurly-gheyz, the obsession of gamers. All those good times..

All of these mentioned above, is what I considered as a honest relationship of friends, which creates love and destroy the boundary between us, and make us care for each other like a family. Astonished by respects, acknowledged by openness.

Being in IT world doesn’t mean we do not need love. The obssession of technology creates a keen mind, but the vitality of love is what creates and changes what we are. This is the only love that I really cherish, the intimacy of a family, which starts from a bunch of strangers with little similarity, and managed to know each other well enough to care and be there when needed…

That’s it my friends. Thanks for being significant in my life. We are family, and I don’t want my so-called family vanished just like that in thin air. And by the way, for the above questions, after a long thinking, I answered “Yes, I’ll continue the relationship. Honesty is the best thing that I can appreciate. ” Days go by and still I think of you… :)